Hot or Not: 2017 Grammy Gowns

February 17, 2017 by foryouloveemily 3 Comments

{photo from justjared.com}

Real talk before we dive in: I did not watch the Grammy Awards this year.  I wanted to!  But when Ed and I tuned in, Bey was just beginning to perform and after about 70 seconds of neither of us understanding sh*t about what she was doing, I swiftly lost control of the remote and Fast and Furious 7 was put on instead.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t research all the dresses thoroughly online the next morning though.  As such, I am fully prepared to present what I thought was hot and what I thought was nawt on the red carpet.  If you’re interested in the beauty trends I spotted (did anyone ever think back in 1997 that I would be able to spot a beauty trend?  LOL.), please check out the post I wrote for Stylisted in the right hand link list —>

Let’s go ahead start off with the biggest fashion trend at the Grammy’s this year: cleavage.  Gone are the days of plain old regular top cleavage.  Boringgggg.  This year we saw a lot of creativity with plunging v-necks and sideboob and underboob and a weird blue suit that defied logic as well as gentle breezes.  As a starting point, let’s throw it back to the original mega-v-cleavage look:

Jennifer Lopez owning it at the 2000 Grammy Awards

Hot

First up, Rihanna.  Things were tame over in Rihanna’s world this year.  A massive black ball gown skirt with an orange halter bra top looked pretty good if not initially a little confusing.  How was everything attached, ya know?  I was surprised the look didn’t come off Halloween-y, and once I stared at the top for a while, I actually really liked it.  If Vickies made bathing suits anymore (#RIP), I’m sure this bra silhouette would be a best seller.

Next is Katharine McPhee.  She tried.  She certainly doesn’t look bad, but you also won’t remember her when you’re done reading this post.  I’m giving her points for effort with the sequins, and bonus stars for getting in on the high leg-slit trend.  But classy = snoozefest at the Grammy’s so auf wiedersehen.

Next: Carrie Underpants.  HOLY CANNOLI!!  This is my favorite dress of the night, maybe of all time.   There are zero things I don’t like about it.  She’s got a strategic keyhole and what appears to be a lot of heavy fabric – but psych! – it’s all see-through.  After a second you realize she’s basically just in her underwear with a red sequin robe on top.  What’s not to love.  The hair is good and the makeup is good, mainly because they take a backseat and don’t interfere with any details of the dress.

Ok on second thought, I take it back about loving every single aspect of Carrie’s dress.  There was one thing I didn’t like and that was Faith Hill wearing essentially the same thing.  This was a faux paux that probably embarrassed everyone there and certainly concluded with a stylist getting fired.

Had I seen Faith’s dress first and Carrie had never showed up to the ball, I would have loved Faith’s dress.  But I saw Carrie’s dress first and so when I saw Faith I felt like she was purposefully doing Carrie dirty.  Faith hasn’t had a hit in awhile, so I’m not putting it past her to show up looking like the hot hit-maker’s twin on purpose. Dog eat dog, amirite.

Luckily, the dresses are by two different designers so no one else needs to be fired.  And Carrie’s clearly has more punch for a red-carpet event, but that didn’t help the worst part of all when somebody made them stand together to make memories with a freaking picture:

Torture

Look at Carrie’s face.  Look at her left knee!  Even her knee is repulsed to be taking this photo.  Carrie’s probably thinking about what she’d like to do with her Louisville Slugger, and Faith is probably thinking, “Look at us, ya’ll!  We match!  The queen and the princess of country music are havin’ a photo!!”

Adding to the long-sleeved red dress lineup, Bey changed out of her sun goddess stage costume and into this red sequin, plunging neckline dress.  Doesn’t she look like (in a good way) a wax statue here?  She may be mentally cursing Adele out for winning more Grammys than her, but she’s also acing looking royal and fabulous.

Slay

Enter: Celine.  Showing your stuff off isn’t just for the kids!  Celine Dion stepped out with yet another high leg-slit and deep deep v-neck.  I love the green, I love the sparkle, but she needs to ditch the matchy green shoes and maybe she can help Carrie blow off steam by letting her rip off that asymmetrical bow belt.

Re-enter J-Lo.  J-Lo is perfection 24/7, which is why I was thrilled this year to see a bunch of body and face makeup on her dress.  (See neckline and that tulle shoulder accent for proof).  Lavender looks lovely on J-Lo, and of course, she’s rocking another keyhole neckline and her Angelina Jolie leg is out (as it should be) and ready to play.

You guys.  I just googled how old J-Lo is, planning to say something about how when she’s Celine’s age she’ll still rock her show-stopping cleave and she’ll never stop being amazing.

J-Lo is 47, which I expected.  Do you know how old Celine Dion is?  Guess.  I’ll tell you.  FORTY-EIGHT.  Celine is only one year older than Jenny from the Block.  Unbelievable!  Who else is surprised?  Did anyone else know that??  I feel bad for insinuating earlier that Celine is of a mature age, but I also feel that I’m not the only one who thought she was older.  J-Lo has either found the Holy Grail or Celine is a chain smoker.  There are no alternatives.

 

{photo taken by Adriana M. Barraza/WENN.com}

Hello, Demi!  Perhaps she has the best of the keyholes?  Demi Lovato looked smokin’ in (another) long sleeve, peek-a-boo keyhole gown.  Serous question: is she wearing underwear??  I zoomed in and I can’t tell.  Of note: she must not have thought a smile went well with this look because every single red carpet photo includes a cold (yet smoldering) stone-face.  Was she trying to actually be a bronze statue?  If so, I get it and I like it and she should continue to serve.

Most creative cleavage!  Lady Gaga played it safe (?) this year and had what I consider an actual outfit on that made her look like a person instead of wearing a weird costume that made her look like an alien.  And we’ve got more long sleeves!  Gaga rocked out with Metallica on stage so it made sense to have a rocker outfit on during the red carpet.  I wonder if she ever raised her arms up?  Seems like a gamble move.

Not

I don’t want to end with negativity, but so is the nature of a Hot or Not.  The worst interpretation of creative cleavage belonged to this girl, Halsey:

I have no clue who she is or what she does.  All I know is she wore this terrible blue satin track suit with cargo pockets on the front of the knees, and the pants have a too-long hemline that I suspect was intentional.  True story I thought she was P!nk at first and then was so relieved when she wasn’t.

Honorable bad dress mention: Lea Michele.  No cleavage available, yet we do have a midriff.  I’d say this is an example of when your hair and makeup ruin your dress.  Imagine how much better this would have been with a low chignon or a top knot, a fushia lip, and a flirty smile:

Instead she looks vaguely like death wearing couture warmed over.

Absolute worst dressed of the whole ding-dang event goes to poor, poor Katy Perry.  She’s the worst for two reasons.  One, her dress sucked, no way to sugar coat it.  I don’t get it at all and it’s not because she’s trying to be ironic or cool and it’s over my head.  It’s because the dress has a personality disorder and is ugly.  The second reason is because during many of her red carpet interviews she threw shade at my girl Britney and Britney’s 2007 mental breakdown, which, according to B’s Instagram she is still trying to get over, and I DID NOT APPRECIATE IT.  Shaming a fellow artist is lame, especially when you pick an easy target while you’re wearing a stupid dress that looks like Britney may have designed back in 2007 to reflect her mental state.  As T-Swift says, we’ve got bad blood.

Ish

Let’s end with a cheerful look at Adele wearing a funny looking gown in a pea-shade of green, showing exactly zero skin:

{photo from Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images}

Find out why the color green is important this year in my Stlyisted post on the 2017 Pantone Color of the Year!  Link in side bar up top –>

Which look was your favorite?  Let me know in the comments!

 

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